| I'm back (sort of) |
[Jun. 2nd, 2008|06:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
It's been a long time, and so much has happened.
First thing, my dad was diagnosed with stomach and esphogeal cancer. He died on May 20. I miss him so much. Right now, I'm still off work.
I'm still in school, but obviously focusing is a bit hard right now.
I still hate my job. I'm decicing whether or not I should go back.
I'm writing more. It's hard, Trying to keep writing through blocks and writing even I think it sounds stupid is difficult because I haveto get it out. There's been stories I've been wanting to tell for years but haven't had the patience or the confidence to get them out.
Did I already say that I missed my dad? Because I do. So much. I am so up and down.
WIll write more later. |
|
|
| for today's suckiness |
[Feb. 6th, 2008|11:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
We have had the most crap, schizo weather here in Michigan. There have been classes cancelled, but of course not one any day that I've had to go. Blizzard, freezing rain, dense fog, unseasonably warm, thunderstorms, lightning, ice, sleet, and good old fashioned snow.
I have to go to work in a little bit. Woot.
But here's something for a laugh:
Yeah, it's that chick from the Hills, Heidi Montag. I don't have a clue as to what she is trying to do. |
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| back on the road (to school) again |
[Jan. 8th, 2008|04:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  awake | ] |
It is now 60 degrees outside. In the middle of winter. In Michigan. Thanks, global warming.
I just started the winter semester of school again. I had to miss my first two class because of a transportation snafu. Meaning, my crapmobile wouldn't start and I had to bum a ride off my mom. Awesome.
I am trying to zen about the whole job thing. Yes, I still hate it like the Huns hated the Chinese, but at least it's a paycheck. A measly, minimum wage paycheck, but a paycheck nonetheless. Last semester sucked balls. I barely got out of that alive. I am never taking classes because I think I have to ever again. If it sucks me dry, so be it and drop the stupid thing already.
That's it for now. |
|
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| end of the year roundup |
[Dec. 31st, 2007|09:18 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
Sorry about not posting for so long. In and out of town, you know.
(Sappy violin cue)
This year was a total roller coaster. So much happened - to me at least.
(Sappy violins over)
What's new? Let's see....
I have really really really tried to like Rachael Ray. Really and truly. Then it went from mere annoyance to downright outrage. At first I thought that she totally sold out, but now that I take a closer look, I see that there was nothing there to begin with. She can barely cook, she can't bake, she's not a real chef, it doesn't seem like she has a good handle on basic nutrition, and she is plastered everywhere. This is opportunism and capitalism at its worst. And did have to pick orange as her signature color?
I still don't get the Grey's Anatomy thing. Sorry.
I regained my love of foreign films. Thank you, amazon dot com.
The next coming year will be my ten year high school reunion. Bring it on.
I will try to do things and not worry about whether or not my parents will like it or not. I will be industrous.
I will start living my life. Even on the days when I won't feel like it.
To you all, have a happy new year. |
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| Yay! |
[Dec. 14th, 2007|09:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
I have a job interview on Monday! Thank God because I hate my job. That is not an exaggeration. We have to do the most ridiculous crap. To see what kind of ridiculous crap that is, read further.
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| It's beginning to look a lot like christmas |
[Nov. 29th, 2007|04:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
the parking lots are filled with cranky shoppers, the credit and checking accounts are being whittled down to zero, but now you a real reason to eat cookies and crappy fruitcake other than the fact that you want to.
Meaning: everybody has basically turned into giant assholes. My job thanksgiving weekend was hell. Look, people, I know there are sales and stuff and you're spending a lot of money on your largely ungrateful relatives, but please don't take it out on the people behind the counter, aka me.
What a crap hole the holidays have turned out to be. You certainly don't get paid anymore during December except if you work on the actual holiday, but you have to buy all of this crap for, most of which will be sold out before you get off your butt to get it. Buy, buy, buy. That's all it is. Decorating, sending cards, holiday type crap. Is this really fun for anyone over the age of eighteen?
Thoughts? |
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| so long, gilmore girls |
[Nov. 16th, 2007|01:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
Tonight, I watched the final episode of the last season. I bought the DVD pack on Tuesday, and I have loved this show for years. Rory graduated from Yale, Lorelai is finally with Luke, Lane is married with twins.
A lot of things ended this year - my job, Harry Potter, now this. Jeez, I'm such a sap. |
|
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| fuck the fandom |
[Nov. 14th, 2007|02:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
As of right now, I am officially giving the fandom a giant middle finger. I mean, I kind of have been out of it for the past few months, but I got bored and said, hey! I haven't been to these sites in forever so maybe I should visit them again. Well, at least I got see why I got fed up in the first place.
First off, Buzznet needs to be revamped or go away altogether. That place drives me insane. And I never joined any of the groups there, thank God. Ninety-eight percent of the people there are completely fucking brain dead. And the LJ groups? It's disgusting, it really is. Shit like this is one of the major reasons why celebrities get so fucked up. It turned the one thing that made me feel better about myself into one more thing that made me feel like a complete retard. Trust me, arguing with a bunch of misguided, bitchy, petty "fans" about why stalking and tearing apart a hairdresser because she might or might not be engaged to the lead singer made me depressed and angry at the world.
I remember when I first heard of MCR. It was around this time last year, give or take a few weeks. I bought my monthly issue of Blender magazine, like I do every month and they were on the cover. "What is it with these guys?" They were everywhere. I knew that they had an album come out, but I never really listened to them so I just bought the magazine and that was that. Later, when I started reading the article, I saw the pictures. (Okay, I got interested because I thought Gerard was hot, I admit it, deal with it.) While I was reading the article, it occured to me that they weren't douchebags like a lot of other musicians out there. Then I started hearing so many good things about their album, so I decided to buy it. OMG. I listened to the whole CD. I NEVER DO THAT. Most people's albums suck. I heard what they were saying. It was wintertime, the snow was falling, and I listened to it on the way to the job that I hated, on the way to and from my therapy appointments. I learned all the words to the songs. I bought their other albums. That was what colored my christmastime. And I miss that feeling so much.
I guess my feelings about the fandom are my own. I wanted more information, so I kept digging, plunging myself further and further into the abyss. I admit, I met some cool people (meghan mayham and skatekwondo come to mind) but most everybody else deserved to have their hard drives blown up. I wanted more and I got it. Be careful for what you wish for. Then came the anger and the fighting and the ridiculousness. Then finally, I had to pull away. It was too much. And I was gone until a few nights ago, when I heard "Welcome to the Black Parade" playing on the radio. I stopped and pulled over in a parking and thought. It came back. And I want to be back.
This time, I'm getting back to basics and staying there. Me and the music, that's it. No fan clubs, no armies, no groups, no message boards, just me and the music.
All I want is the music, and fuck every thing else.
Skatekwondo, where are you? Hey Fatbottomed, what's up? |
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| bad memories pt.2 |
[Oct. 19th, 2007|12:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
It got to the point where being called fatass was an everyday occurance. Couple that with the fact that I had no spine, and you have a recipe for a shame sandwich. I grew even more self-conscious. I didn't everything I could to avoid him in class. I was afraid to get up and walk around in case I caught his eye. I stopped wearing certain clothes. It got to the point where I was even afraid to cough. And I couldn't feel like I could do anything. He was bigger than I was, so I couldn't really fight him. As I said for the teacher thing, that was pretty much a dead end road. I wanted to at least cuss him out, but I knew that he would be better at it than me. My friendships were on shaky ground at best, and I had no brothers and sisters my age to stick up for me. I was on my own, and I was hanging on by a thread.
Soon, when other people saw that I didn't really do anything after being called fat ass, that pretty much sent the dogs after me. There was really no fucking escape. On top of that, there was only so much that I could tell my parents. My dad pretty much said that he would punish me if I didn't start defending myself. Great, so I would be punished at home for something that I didn't do? So everyday I had to come home and pretend that everything was fine, when that was for from the truth. Even though they caught on to the fact that everytime I said I was fine, I was lying but since I refused to tell them any different, they finally let it go at that. And we're not even going to get started on riding the bus home.
Even riding the bus became hell on earth for me. There was this kid that somehow got it into his head that it was my fault that he got home late from school everyday, because I was the first one they dropped off. Every single day, he yelled at me to get off the bus. He called me names. And no one did anything about it. No one, not even me. At school, on the way home. Why didn't I just change schools, you ask. Well, news had a way of traveling fast, and I had a feeling that things would have been worse for me anyplace else - just more kids and actual gang members instead of the wannabes at my school. If they had myspace back then, I would have been screwed. |
|
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| bad memories pt.1 |
[Oct. 17th, 2007|09:38 pm] |
I've been allergic to homework for as long as I can remember. I've been a crappy student for even longer. Remember parent/teacher conferences? That shit was the worst. I'm telling you what, it was a good thing that my parents didn't own a gun while I was in school. I wanted to be an honor student, to make myself and my parents proud, but most of the time that just didn't happen. Most of the time I was lucky that I wasn't failing every single subject. I know it's kind of lame that I'm still thinking of this now, but I can't help it. Feeling helpless and lame and retarded in class was pretty normal for me. Watching everybody else get good grades, watching them being able to sit in class in peace made me jealous with envy and sick at heart. Most of the time, if I was lucky, I could make it through the whole class period without being made to feel like I wasn't a complete idiot.
Have you been forced to sit next to someone who hated you? That was pretty the case for me at least once a year. The worst was in the 10th grade when I had to sit next to this delinquent asshole who, every time he had to move past me said as loud as he could, "Move it, fatass!". There was another time when he got in trouble for something, I don't remember what, but he got pissed off and said, "That's because I have to sit in between the two class retards!" Of course, the whole class laughed and when someone asked what he was talking about, people pointed at me and a another girl. So you know what if feels like when someone humiliates you like that? It feels like acid is pouring down your insides. It is all you can do to not cry and make things worse for yourself. Shit like this basically went for the rest of the year. As for my teacher? Well, personally I liked him but there was only so much he could do. It just gets to the point where you can't really tattle to your teachers anymore.
Another humiliation supreme moment came again in the dreaded drama class. A little backstory: there was an antidrug afterschool group that supposedly looked really food on your high school transcripts. They had planned with the local police department to arrange a fake marijuana bust.
to be continued... |
|
|
| just a small sidetrack... |
[Oct. 16th, 2007|11:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bitchy | ] |
I fucking hate school. Hate it hate it hate it. Seriously, this is fucking torture. No wonder why I waited until I was in my mid-twenties until I decided to pursue the whole degree thing. Chemistry sucks hard and economics is for republicans. And I think I am taking the most worthless math class ever. I am not even kidding about that. So do you know what a rational number is? How about a subset of negative integers? Yeah, neither does the rest of the world. And the people who come up with this shit are considered geniuses? Hell, I could come up with some bullshit math quotation and I could be rich and famous that way! To hell with actually trying to publish a book. The only thing I seem to be doing well in is French. Getting up in the morning and going to class and sitting through fucking bullshit that I don't need and don't understand is depressing. But no, I'm going to stick it out. If I did all this crap when I first got out of high school like I was supposed, this would all be over now. Right now, I am the only one of my friends going to school right now, so they don't understand. Super. I can't drop any classes because I need to bust ass so I don't have to wait until I am thirty years old to get a real job.
Somebody shoot me, please. |
|
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| demons the need to die part 3 |
[Oct. 9th, 2007|10:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
I was relegated to going to dinner with a borderline retarded girl in our class who had to bring her mother along. We went to some shitty Chinese restaurant and then had to sit sit through a three Shakespeare play.
The next day, we had some free time. Once again, I was forced to tag along with Jandy and whatsherface. This time, they acted like I wasn't there. Not wanting to get in trouble for crap that wasn't my fault, I went along. I had a hard enough time trying to keep up with them but then Jandy whirled around and said "You don't have to follow us around all morning" and then left the store without me. I was shocked and hurt and eventually pissed off. What a self involved, self-important bitch. I can't believe she actually thought I wanted to hang around her. After a few seconds she begrudging came back to the store, but I brushed past her and said, "Don't even bother". I went to the hotel to regroup and cry a little. When I turned down the hallway, there some of my classmates. And I heard them whisper, "Here comes the class loser". That was one of the worst moments of my life. Solid verification of the being the one thing that everyone thought I was. And to add insult to injury, the person that whispered it flirted with me on the train ride there. And who did he start flirting with shortly after that? You guessed it, Jandy.
After some time of feeling sorry for myself, I basically said screw it and decided to run around by myself. They weren't going to ruin my entire trip. It was a pretty day outside and I had plenty of money (thanks, mom and dad). They a bunch of cool little shops around town and little cafes and such. I did see groups of my classmates walking around in the distance but I dodged most of them. One group did see me, and as I walked past them they said, "You shouldn't walk around by yourself or your ass will be grass!" Then they laughed and walked off. Great. Thanks, assholes. Later came one of the teachers. "You know, you can't around by yourself." she said while shaking her head. "I saw Jandy back there. You can walk around with her." I didn't even argue. I just went off in the direction she pointed in and waited for her to turn her back.
And that is how the rest of the trip went. The train ride wasn't much better. They were all hanging out down by the luggage compartment, so for some unknown reason, like my ability for flogging myself, I went down there too. After looking at me like I was some disgusting piece of trash, one of them said, "Do you need something?" I stuttered and said that I needed to get into the bathroom. I later found that they were giving each other hand jobs and during the course of the trip had been having sex in the shower.
I later wrote a letter to the teachers a day later. Their response? That I needed to visit the guidance counselor. And people wonder why school shootings happen. (Not that I'm even condoning that sort of thing, I'm just saying). That trip pretty much ruined whatever good feeling I had about things. For the record (heh), one person did apologize to me, towards the end of the years, and broke whatever tethered me to optimism. So there it is, the worst class trip I had ever been on. |
|
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| demons the need to die part 2 |
[Oct. 8th, 2007|06:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cranky | ] |
For some unknown reason, I thought I would endear myself to my classmates by telling how one of my best friends left a party to go get high. Again I don't know why this was a good idea. God, it sucks just thinking about it. I blabbed to everyone that would hear, even repeating myself at one point. You ever heard of the phrase stuck on stupid? Well, I was stuck on retard. I swear, they all just looked at me like I had just gotten off the little yellow bus. When we got the hotel, my verbal diarrhea continued. Jandy and what's-her-face were reasonably pleasant to me that night, but after I heard them giggling late into the night, I knew I was out of the loop.
The next morning we were the last group to leave the hotel room, I was forced to tag along because we couldn't walk around alone. Talk about giving new definition to tagging along. I was left out of conversations and they walked on ahead without barely noticing whether or not I was still following. It was the worst feeling. I was stuck in a foreign country with people that were treating me like crap.
Fast forward to dinnertime. We were all getting ready and two things happened: Some of my other classmates were prank calling us from the other room. Of course, Jandy took it seriously and after I hung up the phone, she ripped it out of my hand, told me I was being an idiot, and slammed the phone down. I should have just packed up my stuff and forced our chaperones to send me home, but I didn't. The second thing was everybody was allowed to venture off to dinner by themselves, provided we were in groups. Jandy and what's her face were trying to figure out where to go to that evening, and when I casually asked where they were going, she said "Why don't you find out what someone else is doing", and then proceeded to turn her back on me. |
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| the demons that need to die pt. 1 |
[Oct. 4th, 2007|11:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  determined | ] |
I know there was a reason why I started this livejournal in the first place, it just took me a few months to get here. All this stuff I've been bitching about was just me avoiding the thing that has stopped me from making anything out of myself - all of those bad memories from my education, all through elementary, junior and high school. All of this crap has been with me through my every waking moment, for almost ten years since I graduated from high school. It's time for me to let it go. (Also, I still don't know how to do an LJ cut so the next few entries will be a bit long.) This will be pretty disjointed, just coming out as I think of them.
If you ask what my general mood has been through the years, I would say that I was angry. All day, every day. One of the things that keeps me nice and angry is the memory of the worst high school field trip I ever went on.
In October 1996, I was knee deep in what was probably the worst high school drama class ever. It was headed up by two women - one was older, was most likely bi-polar and although she was the official head teacher, she wasn't very well equipped with people in general, much less the assholes that went to my school. In short, she was basically me in thirty year's time. The second teacher was a lot better, but could be pretty immature. One of the worst things about her was what I like to call 'shiny apple syndrome'. Let me create an example: there was one person in our class that I could not stand, (here, I'll call her Jandy) because she was the hugest bitch to me and I never did anything to her. To insult to injury, you could hear go on and on about her youth group at church and hear so many teacher say what a good girl she was - yeah, it was nauseating, to say the least, but I digress.
Our field consisted of riding the train all the way into Canada to attended the Stratford theater festival in Stratford, Ontario for about three days. We were all to share hotel rooms, three or four to a room. And guess who I got to room with? Miss Bible Bitch herself. There was another girl who went to a different school in the same room and of course during that trip, they became the best of friends. Okay I admit, I was basically the most socially challenged person I had ever met. Seriously, deep down I didn't know how to interact with people.
Will continue this later. |
|
|
| update this |
[Sep. 11th, 2007|09:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
Hai gais. Time for a life update, because you were totally holding your breath, right?
Started school. Most of my classes are alright, except for French. For some reason, it's a lot harder than I remembered but maybe that's because I slept through most of those classes. I tried to do some of the homework last time but couldn't because I was all confused and crap. Looks like I am going to be seeing a lot of the French tutor. A lot. Learning center, here I come.
So today is 9/11. Do you remember where you were? I do. I had just started my previous (later to be ill-fated) job. A lot of people came in to rent movies, just to get their mind off of it. At the time, we could pick out your own movies to watch on the big monitors and we all were kind of making sick jokes under our breaths, like 'I guess we won't be watching The Siege tonight'. SO what does my jackass supervisor say? "No, cause we're watching Die Hard." We all though he was kidding until he actually put it in and the beginning credits started to roll. Needless to say, we got bitched out by customers the rest of the night. I guess that was a sign.
Another thing. Memo to the MCR fandom: For the 500th time, calm the fuck down. So Gerard got married (congrats, baby!). Deal with it. And what is with the need to talk about all of these rumors all the damn time? It is not the band's fault (or anyone else's for that matter, except your parents) that you are stupid enough to believe everything that read. Why is it the stupid people are always the most sure that they are right. You don't need 'closure' or 'insider information', you need to get a life. One last thing: shut up.
Britney, Britney, Britney. At least you have millions of dollars to live off of. That should be enough to pay off K-Fed, put her kids through extensive psychotherapy, and buy at least one decent friend.
Until later. |
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| prepare for suckage |
[Aug. 26th, 2007|07:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
I start school full time next week. Couple that with my crappy job, and I am in for some doom, gloom, and all around suckiness. Panicky feelings ensue. I've drinking more. I know, not good. I just haven't been able to get my brain to turn off recently. I know I should do other things besides that. At least I haven't been cutting myself, which I have done in the past but haven't done in a few years.
I've getting this harebrained idea to start walking around cemeteries. I don't know why. They seem be bigger than our tiny little parks, so there's more places to walk through, but I'm afraid of getting kidnapped and raped at knife point or something like that.
Speaking of cemeteries, I haven't really been to one since my former best friends' mother passed away eight years ago. I haven't been there to see my parents, aunt, uncle, cousins, or childhood friend that died two years ago (I went to the funeral but the internment service). I don't know if I ever will. Ever year my parents go to the cemetery along with my other relatives on Christmas Eve. They don't really do anything, they just stand there until they get too cold. Maybe it's just me, but that seems completely fucking pointless. I don't go with them. There's a whole long story about that but I don't feel like typing that up right now.
We just had a power outage for two days here, thanks high pressure thunderstorms. Seriously, a whole tree uprooted and took out my neighbors whole porch. I'm not kidding. Oh, and it was ninety degrees the entire time too.
I want another cat. Cats rule. |
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| people, let's make a deal |
[Aug. 22nd, 2007|11:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
Here's the deal:
Let's not live in the past anymore. Let's stop wishing we could go back and change things. Let's stop beating ourselves up for our mistakes. Let's stop wishing and start doing. Let's not live our lives steeped in anger and hatred for other people. Let's be happy.
I don't know why I wrote that. It just makes me feel better. |
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| it's a real drag |
[Aug. 20th, 2007|12:51 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  morose | ] |
Work has been a total fucking drag. It was the only time when being busy didn't make the time go faster. Ugh. If one more person asked for a copy of Wild Hogs, I was going to kick them in the face. It's not even a good movie. Man people have bad taste.
Have to buy textbooks for class this week. There goes the savings.
I hate living here. I live in the state with the highest unemployment rate, therefore finding another halfway decent job is difficult. I wanted to stay until I got my associates degree but I don't think I can stick it out for that long (until July 2008). I was going to transfer to another college anyway, but I want to leave. Really bad. I can't stand it here.
Is it just me or is Gerard getting...freakier onstage? That David Cassidy thing made my jaw drop. I am so glad that I can go to a MCR concert on my own and not have to take my parents.
I think I might be getting a chest cold. Thanks schizo Michigan weather. |
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| why do I get so pissed off? |
[Aug. 15th, 2007|08:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cynical | ] |
So many times I get pissed for no reason whatever. Okay, maybe not for no reason, but when that happens, I just feel so much anger welling up inside. I know, many people have told me that anytime that happens, I should just tell person how I feel. The thing is, most of the time when I get pissed off, I'm being unreasonable and it's pretty much over stupid shit so people are just like, what the fuck? Wow, I definitely need to get a grip. Like soon, because even I'm tired of myself.
I finally saw the Lookout. God, that was awesome. I mean, if anything, that movie has made me a better driver. Seriously, I was halfway bent over trying to pick up something that had fallen over. Then I suddenly thought, look up and get your eyes on the road. It is not worth putting your family and everyone else that might be involved in whatever accident might happen just so I don't have to clean up a mess later. And what a performance. Seriously, I really would mind it if they paid Joe 15 million dollars a movie. At least he is one of the few people that are worthy of it. He's also supposed to be directing his first movie. It's a short, based on an Elmore Leonard story, so at least it's not, twentysomething's getting drunk in a bar and sleeping around and then wondering why they haven't found their soulmate or how stupid the opposite sex is, or how people are just like, so fake, like y'know?
Vanilla vodka is tops. That is some good shit right there.
I just cleaned my living space after avoiding it for like, a year and a half. It was so nasty, but at least there weren't rodents or insects. Except crickets. Did you know that if you don't pick up dead crickets after you've squashed them under something, they decompose into the carpet? Yeah, I didn't know that either. So know I have cricket corpses embedding into my carpet fibers. Awesome.
That's all for now. |
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| undisciplined children |
[Aug. 13th, 2007|03:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | angry | ] |
People need to start spanking their kids again. Kids are so fucking rude these days it makes me want to scream. They run around yelling and talking at the top of your lungs in the library and the movie theater and I like to give nothing more than to bitch slap these little morons. The absolute fucking worst is when the walk in the middle of the fucking road and don't even move when a car comes. You get up right close to them and they don't even blink. They just stare back at you like retarded cows. It seriously takes all of my self-control not to hit the gas pedal. And don't even get me started on stupid effing teenagers. But of course it's practically a federal crime if you so much as even look at them the wrong way. They do not need 'validation' and 'respect for their creative space'.....they need to be chewed the fuck out and smacked a good one like I would have been if I had pulled even one tenth of the shit that kids do nowadays. I don't know how anyone can actually teach school nowadays. I know that's a big part to why kids don't know anything these days. They won't put a sock in it when the teacher is trying to talk. Trust me, it hasn't been THAT long since I've been to high school.
I know that was pretty random but I just needed to get this off my chest. |
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