| I'm back (sort of) |
[Jun. 2nd, 2008|06:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
It's been a long time, and so much has happened.
First thing, my dad was diagnosed with stomach and esphogeal cancer. He died on May 20. I miss him so much. Right now, I'm still off work.
I'm still in school, but obviously focusing is a bit hard right now.
I still hate my job. I'm decicing whether or not I should go back.
I'm writing more. It's hard, Trying to keep writing through blocks and writing even I think it sounds stupid is difficult because I haveto get it out. There's been stories I've been wanting to tell for years but haven't had the patience or the confidence to get them out.
Did I already say that I missed my dad? Because I do. So much. I am so up and down.
WIll write more later. |
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| for today's suckiness |
[Feb. 6th, 2008|11:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
We have had the most crap, schizo weather here in Michigan. There have been classes cancelled, but of course not one any day that I've had to go. Blizzard, freezing rain, dense fog, unseasonably warm, thunderstorms, lightning, ice, sleet, and good old fashioned snow.
I have to go to work in a little bit. Woot.
But here's something for a laugh:
Yeah, it's that chick from the Hills, Heidi Montag. I don't have a clue as to what she is trying to do. |
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| back on the road (to school) again |
[Jan. 8th, 2008|04:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  awake | ] |
It is now 60 degrees outside. In the middle of winter. In Michigan. Thanks, global warming.
I just started the winter semester of school again. I had to miss my first two class because of a transportation snafu. Meaning, my crapmobile wouldn't start and I had to bum a ride off my mom. Awesome.
I am trying to zen about the whole job thing. Yes, I still hate it like the Huns hated the Chinese, but at least it's a paycheck. A measly, minimum wage paycheck, but a paycheck nonetheless. Last semester sucked balls. I barely got out of that alive. I am never taking classes because I think I have to ever again. If it sucks me dry, so be it and drop the stupid thing already.
That's it for now. |
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| end of the year roundup |
[Dec. 31st, 2007|09:18 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
Sorry about not posting for so long. In and out of town, you know.
(Sappy violin cue)
This year was a total roller coaster. So much happened - to me at least.
(Sappy violins over)
What's new? Let's see....
I have really really really tried to like Rachael Ray. Really and truly. Then it went from mere annoyance to downright outrage. At first I thought that she totally sold out, but now that I take a closer look, I see that there was nothing there to begin with. She can barely cook, she can't bake, she's not a real chef, it doesn't seem like she has a good handle on basic nutrition, and she is plastered everywhere. This is opportunism and capitalism at its worst. And did have to pick orange as her signature color?
I still don't get the Grey's Anatomy thing. Sorry.
I regained my love of foreign films. Thank you, amazon dot com.
The next coming year will be my ten year high school reunion. Bring it on.
I will try to do things and not worry about whether or not my parents will like it or not. I will be industrous.
I will start living my life. Even on the days when I won't feel like it.
To you all, have a happy new year. |
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| Yay! |
[Dec. 14th, 2007|09:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
I have a job interview on Monday! Thank God because I hate my job. That is not an exaggeration. We have to do the most ridiculous crap. To see what kind of ridiculous crap that is, read further.
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| It's beginning to look a lot like christmas |
[Nov. 29th, 2007|04:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
the parking lots are filled with cranky shoppers, the credit and checking accounts are being whittled down to zero, but now you a real reason to eat cookies and crappy fruitcake other than the fact that you want to.
Meaning: everybody has basically turned into giant assholes. My job thanksgiving weekend was hell. Look, people, I know there are sales and stuff and you're spending a lot of money on your largely ungrateful relatives, but please don't take it out on the people behind the counter, aka me.
What a crap hole the holidays have turned out to be. You certainly don't get paid anymore during December except if you work on the actual holiday, but you have to buy all of this crap for, most of which will be sold out before you get off your butt to get it. Buy, buy, buy. That's all it is. Decorating, sending cards, holiday type crap. Is this really fun for anyone over the age of eighteen?
Thoughts? |
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| so long, gilmore girls |
[Nov. 16th, 2007|01:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
Tonight, I watched the final episode of the last season. I bought the DVD pack on Tuesday, and I have loved this show for years. Rory graduated from Yale, Lorelai is finally with Luke, Lane is married with twins.
A lot of things ended this year - my job, Harry Potter, now this. Jeez, I'm such a sap. |
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| fuck the fandom |
[Nov. 14th, 2007|02:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
As of right now, I am officially giving the fandom a giant middle finger. I mean, I kind of have been out of it for the past few months, but I got bored and said, hey! I haven't been to these sites in forever so maybe I should visit them again. Well, at least I got see why I got fed up in the first place.
First off, Buzznet needs to be revamped or go away altogether. That place drives me insane. And I never joined any of the groups there, thank God. Ninety-eight percent of the people there are completely fucking brain dead. And the LJ groups? It's disgusting, it really is. Shit like this is one of the major reasons why celebrities get so fucked up. It turned the one thing that made me feel better about myself into one more thing that made me feel like a complete retard. Trust me, arguing with a bunch of misguided, bitchy, petty "fans" about why stalking and tearing apart a hairdresser because she might or might not be engaged to the lead singer made me depressed and angry at the world.
I remember when I first heard of MCR. It was around this time last year, give or take a few weeks. I bought my monthly issue of Blender magazine, like I do every month and they were on the cover. "What is it with these guys?" They were everywhere. I knew that they had an album come out, but I never really listened to them so I just bought the magazine and that was that. Later, when I started reading the article, I saw the pictures. (Okay, I got interested because I thought Gerard was hot, I admit it, deal with it.) While I was reading the article, it occured to me that they weren't douchebags like a lot of other musicians out there. Then I started hearing so many good things about their album, so I decided to buy it. OMG. I listened to the whole CD. I NEVER DO THAT. Most people's albums suck. I heard what they were saying. It was wintertime, the snow was falling, and I listened to it on the way to the job that I hated, on the way to and from my therapy appointments. I learned all the words to the songs. I bought their other albums. That was what colored my christmastime. And I miss that feeling so much.
I guess my feelings about the fandom are my own. I wanted more information, so I kept digging, plunging myself further and further into the abyss. I admit, I met some cool people (meghan mayham and skatekwondo come to mind) but most everybody else deserved to have their hard drives blown up. I wanted more and I got it. Be careful for what you wish for. Then came the anger and the fighting and the ridiculousness. Then finally, I had to pull away. It was too much. And I was gone until a few nights ago, when I heard "Welcome to the Black Parade" playing on the radio. I stopped and pulled over in a parking and thought. It came back. And I want to be back.
This time, I'm getting back to basics and staying there. Me and the music, that's it. No fan clubs, no armies, no groups, no message boards, just me and the music.
All I want is the music, and fuck every thing else.
Skatekwondo, where are you? Hey Fatbottomed, what's up? |
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| bad memories pt.2 |
[Oct. 19th, 2007|12:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
It got to the point where being called fatass was an everyday occurance. Couple that with the fact that I had no spine, and you have a recipe for a shame sandwich. I grew even more self-conscious. I didn't everything I could to avoid him in class. I was afraid to get up and walk around in case I caught his eye. I stopped wearing certain clothes. It got to the point where I was even afraid to cough. And I couldn't feel like I could do anything. He was bigger than I was, so I couldn't really fight him. As I said for the teacher thing, that was pretty much a dead end road. I wanted to at least cuss him out, but I knew that he would be better at it than me. My friendships were on shaky ground at best, and I had no brothers and sisters my age to stick up for me. I was on my own, and I was hanging on by a thread.
Soon, when other people saw that I didn't really do anything after being called fat ass, that pretty much sent the dogs after me. There was really no fucking escape. On top of that, there was only so much that I could tell my parents. My dad pretty much said that he would punish me if I didn't start defending myself. Great, so I would be punished at home for something that I didn't do? So everyday I had to come home and pretend that everything was fine, when that was for from the truth. Even though they caught on to the fact that everytime I said I was fine, I was lying but since I refused to tell them any different, they finally let it go at that. And we're not even going to get started on riding the bus home.
Even riding the bus became hell on earth for me. There was this kid that somehow got it into his head that it was my fault that he got home late from school everyday, because I was the first one they dropped off. Every single day, he yelled at me to get off the bus. He called me names. And no one did anything about it. No one, not even me. At school, on the way home. Why didn't I just change schools, you ask. Well, news had a way of traveling fast, and I had a feeling that things would have been worse for me anyplace else - just more kids and actual gang members instead of the wannabes at my school. If they had myspace back then, I would have been screwed. |
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| bad memories pt.1 |
[Oct. 17th, 2007|09:38 pm] |
I've been allergic to homework for as long as I can remember. I've been a crappy student for even longer. Remember parent/teacher conferences? That shit was the worst. I'm telling you what, it was a good thing that my parents didn't own a gun while I was in school. I wanted to be an honor student, to make myself and my parents proud, but most of the time that just didn't happen. Most of the time I was lucky that I wasn't failing every single subject. I know it's kind of lame that I'm still thinking of this now, but I can't help it. Feeling helpless and lame and retarded in class was pretty normal for me. Watching everybody else get good grades, watching them being able to sit in class in peace made me jealous with envy and sick at heart. Most of the time, if I was lucky, I could make it through the whole class period without being made to feel like I wasn't a complete idiot.
Have you been forced to sit next to someone who hated you? That was pretty the case for me at least once a year. The worst was in the 10th grade when I had to sit next to this delinquent asshole who, every time he had to move past me said as loud as he could, "Move it, fatass!". There was another time when he got in trouble for something, I don't remember what, but he got pissed off and said, "That's because I have to sit in between the two class retards!" Of course, the whole class laughed and when someone asked what he was talking about, people pointed at me and a another girl. So you know what if feels like when someone humiliates you like that? It feels like acid is pouring down your insides. It is all you can do to not cry and make things worse for yourself. Shit like this basically went for the rest of the year. As for my teacher? Well, personally I liked him but there was only so much he could do. It just gets to the point where you can't really tattle to your teachers anymore.
Another humiliation supreme moment came again in the dreaded drama class. A little backstory: there was an antidrug afterschool group that supposedly looked really food on your high school transcripts. They had planned with the local police department to arrange a fake marijuana bust.
to be continued... |
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